Enamourment in Psychotherapy


By

Elias F. de Almeida

Elias F. de Almeida lives in Italy. He presented this paper in a workshop at the First Congress of the World Council for Psychotherapy, held in Vienna in 1996 and gave the manuscript to Gerhard Stemberger, who had organized the two symposia on Gestalt Therapy of which Elias's contribution had been a part. Elias had hoped that it could be published somehow and gave Gerhard permission to use it as he saw fit. Gerhard, in turn, has accomplished Elias' desire by allowing Gestalt! to publish it on the world wide web. For interest in the First Congress of the World Council for Psychotherapy.

Introduction

Research on enamourment pertains to the theoretical model of Gestalt psychotherapy initially delineated by Frederick Perls and his collaborators and more recently developed by others. Its aim is to sustain the experience of enamourment-one of the expressions of positive transfer- in a way that this may become for the client a growth experience of consistent and solid change, in other words of
Enamourment in psychotherapy often constitutes an element that can be embarrassing for the therapist...
an encounter with one's self. Enamourment in psychotherapy often constitutes an element that can be embarrassing for the therapist, and which at times prompts him to use some techniques which allow him "to gain some time" in the expectation that the phenomenon will attenuate in the course of the therapeutic sessions. Rather, in order to face the phenomenon of enamourment in an efficacious and adequate way, that is by transforming the experience of enamourment into a therapeutic instrument and not by "neglecting" this purely human resource, it is necessary to understand which may be the elements that characterize the experience of falling in love. In enamourment one is totally captivated by the other, more precisely by that which the other provokes. (Salonia, l987) Enamourment, be this enamourment rightly called, or enamourment as expression of a modality of positive transfer, is characterized phenomenologically by some key elements such as the experience of fascination, the desire for the other, the dependence on the other, illusions and expectations. Fascination and desire are intense and total at such a point that the enamored is disposed to do everything in order to have the loved one as object of his desire. In fact, in enamourment the values previously held change, even the sense of one's own dignity changes so that the person accepts and permits to be treated in a way that would have been previously unacceptable. A last aspect, almost always present in enamourment, is that this ends: the experienced feelings that accompany such a conclusion can be very different, because next to the possibility of a development of enamourment there is also the possibility of the end of the interpersonal relationship which was created.

In this latter instance the dominant experienced feelings are of delusion, frustration, betrayal: the loss of happiness that the enamored hoped to have reached, thanks to the other, is translated into experienced feelings of abandonment and emptiness; allowing oneself to be open to the other and allowing oneself to be vulnerable in his most intimate feelings to then see oneself abandoned, provokes the feelings of having been betrayed by the other precisely in the matter of personal trust. The reactions to such feelings are also varied: the person can deny his own displeasure and, together with this, all feelings, even the positive ones previously experienced; or he can feel rancor and desire for revenge. That which is peculiar to these reactions is, at the cognitive level, the tendency to generalize the experience in the attempt to draw from it a lesson, and at a rather affective level, the tendency to closure and inflexibility.

A Gestalt Reading of Falling in Love During Therapy


In this study I have considered the model developed by Salonia (Salonia, l992) who had studied the structure of the episode of contact between Organism and Environment, by individuating and analyzing the connection between the time of development of the episode and the consequent modification of the experience which both the Organism and the Environment underwent in the course of the episode of contact. In fact, Salonia sustains that a relationship does not exist which is not inserted in a "time." (Salonia, l992) Time gives the relationship the possibility to construct itself, its progress, in fact, constitutes the basis of the relationship. One might say that time and relationship are interdependent, connected in an implicit way. "An atemporal or abstract relationship does not exist.," (Salonia, l992) Any relationship is, however, inserted in a temporal context and articulates itself in three rather ordered moments: a beginning, a development and an end.

Any relationship is, however, inserted in a temporal context and articulates itself in three rather ordered moments: a beginning, a development and an end.
Every verbal communication acquires particular relevance when it is considered as an intrinsic part of a relationship, that is when it is placed inside a movement which leads and fosters the becoming of a relationship.

The model "cycle of contact/withdrawal from contact" is structured and functions according to the modality of becoming. Consequently, the sequence and the correspondence among the different phases of contact, with their time frame, and the different experiences of relationship, that is the time experienced, are for Gestalt psychotherapy the criteria of healthy function.

Taking as a point of reference a therapy session as a contact episode one could decodify the communication between therapist and client according to the different phases it has gone through. For example, the very message of the client "I am anxious" will acquire a different meaning according to the moment of the session in which that message is conveyed. In the first phase this could indicate fear of beginning an interaction with the therapist. The following phase could indicate fear of being upset by the tension which emerges. In the central phase the fear could manifest in terms of letting oneself go entirely. Toward the end of the session the fear of detachment might surface. Therefore, locating the message of the client in the diverse phases of the session allows for a more accurate understanding of the relational modality implicit in the verbal expression. In fact, it frequently happens that some clients begin to speak about their significant issues when they are at the end or the beginning of the end of their session. It is important for the psychotherapist, therefore, to identify in which phase the client experiences the anxiety over the relationship and interrupts contact with the therapist. (Salonia, l992).

Looking at this from a different perspective, that is by broadening the discussion from a therapeutic session to a therapeutic relationship, that is, to all the cycle of sessions which constitute the therapeutic relationship, one could find a cycle of contact/withdrawal from contact by identifying in time the different phases of the contact experience. In this place one would look in a particular way at the phenomenon of enamourment in the different phases of the therapeutic relationship.

In the precontact phase, which Salonia also called the phase of "initial confluence" (Salonia, l992), the potentially enamored client experiences a pleasant fascination for the therapist; the sensation of a certain grandiosity is present which is attributed to the person of the therapist and which is expressed in different ways; for example, "I would never have imagined that there might exist a therapist like you." The client is totally captivated by that image which the therapist provokes in him. This image is also generalized to the objects which surround the life of the therapist, that is the therapist s office, furnishings, etc. so much so that the client can express himself in these terms, even transferring (because of anxiety) the fascination toward the objects which belong to the therapist: "How beautiful this room is, the colors are harmoniously suited, etc. ." In this moment the function ES of the SELF begins to manifest to the Organism of which it has need, that is of intimacy and emotive warmth.

In the orientation phase of contact the enamored perceives the need to give an orientation to his excitement. At this point the client does not know how to distinguish between fascination and desire toward the therapist. He desires the therapist but above all wants to be desired by her. The client seeks in different ways a reassurance of the fact that the therapist loves him.

At this point the client does not know how to distinguish between fascination and desire toward the therapist. He desires the therapist but above all wants to be desired by her.
During this period there is a growing attention by the enamored client toward the therapist. The client is attentive to small details, to the few minutes of lateness before the beginning of each session, to the way in which the therapist greets him, or the look, even the tone of voice with which the therapist addresses the client. In this phase the enamored client often wants to guess the thoughts of the therapist, and the client torments himself with questions like: "Will the therapist think of me beyond the therapeutic session?" "Am I important to her?" etc. In this attention to small details, the client seeks to discover if the feeling that he is experiencing is corresponding or not. He is aware of minimal gestures which may confirm or negate the therapist's attention toward him.

Often up to this phase the client does not recognize himself to be in love. He experiences the desire to be a person who would merit the therapist's exclusive attention. He over esteems the therapist, wants to be protected, but the function "I" of the Self is not yet totally activated. One could say that it is a moment of passage from the "ES" function to the "I" of the Self function.

Therefore an attitude of dependence on the therapist develops, an oftentimes non healthy dependence: the client desires the therapist's attention with all his will, and he declares to be disposed to neglect even his own personal growth because he wants the therapist nearby and tries in every way to conceal the truth of the relationship so as to equalize it beyond the scope of a therapeutic arrangement. Often the client invites the therapist to encounters outside of the therapeutic setting. He takes advantage of such occasions (for example Christmas, etc.) to give the therapist a gift. From the moment that he is fascinated, he desires the therapist and considers the therapist to be a special person, that is the person of the therapist now becomes the person of the client's attentions. Therefore this dependence could constitute an obstacle which could impede the client from pursuing his growth to autonomy.

The client does not succeed in seeing the therapist objectively, the client idealizes the therapist and develops a very great capacity for intuiting the behavior of the therapist. The client seems to know very well the therapists tastes, fears, etc. But these are often only projections of the client on the person of the therapist. From this moment the client's life becomes insignificant and all the attention little by little is transferred to the therapist.

In the manipulative phase, the perceived excitement begins to take form. Therefore in this phase the
Doubt is the principal characteristic of this phase and in face of the doubt the client diminishes himself.
client is practically aware of his enamourment. Obviously every client has his own personality traits upon which the different modality of expressing feelings depends. However, in general, in this phase the enamored client's thoughts are rich with illusions; for example, having the therapist as partner, the client often says: "She doesn't know what she is missing." Doubt is the principal characteristic of this phase and in face of the doubt the client diminishes himself. The client then says, "Why doesn't she love me? What's wrong with me?"

Illusions and expectations (the illusion that the therapist may respond to the client's desires: "I am sure that you will change your mind") followed by betrayal are characteristic of this phase. The enamored client searches still, almost desperately, to read some message of hope in the words of the therapist.

From the moment that the client is unable to realize his illusions and expectations, the client feels betrayed by the therapist. Aggressiveness and rebellion typify this phase. Believing to be betrayed,
From these feelings of humiliation and anger follows the phase of full contact.
the client also experiences humiliation and becomes defensive. (He comes in contact with his own interior tension.) From these feelings of humiliation and anger follows the phase of full contact.

The phase of full contact consists in the crossing of the exploration phase by the enamored client. Specifics of this phase are aggressiveness and rebellion, rebellion not understood as resistance, but as an implicit autonomous tendency as response to the therapist's attitude which the client understands as humiliation, rejection and betrayal, attitudes which cause great pain. This enamored client begins to elaborate his feelings and attempts which can lead to his autonomy.

In the post contact phase, the enamored client, in light of the rejection and betrayal experience, has the sensation of having erred. Often he diminishes himself and vouches not to fall in love again.
...without this experience, a profound change cannot occur...it is necessary to profoundly feel the pain of exclusion, refusal and betrayal.
However, without this experience, a profound change cannot occur. In order to understand that "heaven" is not to be found in the therapist, but in himself, it is necessary for the client to experience the intense desire that the other, the therapist, falls in love with him and to understand that this is not possible; therefore, it is necessary to profoundly feel the pain of exclusion, refusal and betrayal. (Salonia, l992) Without crossing this phase authentic change would be very difficult.

If a person chooses the creative way, it is in this phase that the feeling of self-sufficiency emerges. The client begins to feel that he can do without the therapist. It could be said that in this phase the client has reached the level in which he himself is capable of self-sustenance, that is of creating his own warmth.

The client, by now having overcome the enamourment, finds himself in a phase in which he can be himself before the therapist, and, contemporaneously, he can recognize the therapist without illusions.

Enamourment in therapy constitutes a relevant aspect which in reality transverses the entire therapeutic process: emergence, differentiation, encounter, integration within the boundaries of the "I" - are characteristic of alienated personalities.

Every Organism in its own process of growth, motivated by adaptation to the environment, progressively chooses what to consider as its own and what to distance from itself. In this adaptive process, some feelings, emotions, experiences, ideas, or sensations are excluded from recognition as one's own, but the same Organism can at times feel the need of recuperating some part that it had excluded, or of encountering unknown parts in order to repristine the sense of its own fullness.

In enamourment just this can occur: the person may feel himself attracted to the other's characteristics in which he finds his own completion and may be brought to a fusion with the other to recuperate the alienated parts. But while the conclusion of the enamored often leads to a delusion and, therefore, to the quest of another partner, often similar to the preceding one, enamourment in therapy can consent to the client the real encounter and recuperation from the alienated characteristics projected on the other through that which in psychotherapy of the Gestalt has been called integration of the polarities.

Enamorment and positive transfer surface as a rupture of preceding equilibriums and quest of fullness which is perceived outside of one's own skin, beyond his new boundaries, in an "other" which becomes, therefore, goal of his own journey. After a long and tormented quest he arrives to the awareness that the other does not give us our fullness because she doesn't possess it....even she is on a quest for fullness.

Concretely one can say that it is a matter of rediscovering within oneself one's own power. In this way the person recuperates the sense of personal integration and fullness and, in the multiplicity of possible ways of being, he repristines his own functionality and harmony.

Therapeutic love configures itself as characterized by the capacity of also knowing how to frustrate, but in a constructive way for the client. If on one hand, in fact, the experience of betrayal is something inevitable for the client who falls in love with his therapist, on the other hand it is not a priori foreseen how the client will live and overcome the very betrayal. The risks are negation, development of cynicism and betrayal of self. It appears evident how these developments are antithetical with respect to the therapeutic objectives. Therefore, the ability and the love of therapist must converge so that the painful and potential destructiveness of the betrayal experience may become a real occasion of growth for the client.

Therefore, the ability and the love of therapist must converge so that the painful and potential destructiveness of the betrayal experience may become a real occasion of growth for the client.

Bibliography

Gestalt! (ISSN 1091-1766)
a chronicle of the developing application of Gestalt principles, Vol.1, No.2, 1997
Published by Gestalt Global Corporation.
Last updated 11/14/03
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